I am the most Indian and yet not-so-Indian girl one will come across. What I mean is that I have painstakingly and I repeat very painstakingly dissociated myself from the cultural baggage an Indian girl is conditioned into and yet cultivated a deep connection to the spiritual richness of the Indian ethos. It sounds really complicated but it isn't! Of course, I was able to do this because I was at the advantage of living in Los Angeles (and the place is important in this whole context) where I was able to distance myself from the Indian women social dogma and find opportunities to nurture the true essence of my Indian identity. At the risk of sounding like a snob I can say with utter surety that on my own I am capable of living such a fulfilling life that I’ll draw envy from most of my Indian counterparts who haven’t been able to free themselves from the eastern social pressures. So if a girl like me even considers a partnership with a man that partnership can’t ever be the norm – forget about the Indian norm! Yes you guessed it right – I am getting to the system of Indian arrange marriage. Don’t get me wrong, I do think arrange marriages work – even statistics backs up arrange marriages more than love marriages. I also do acknowledge that the procedural aspect of arrange marriages and the do-how of it has changed a lot over the past couple of decades – but it’s not enough.
I was ticked-offed yesterday when my mother called me to discuss a potential matrimonial proposal. Of course, living in India she went the Indian route of communicating with the prospect’s father whom she really liked (knowing my mother – liking somebody who is not her kin or a nostalgic friend is a rarity!). She informed me that the prospect lives in Germany yada yada yada. Yup she lost me on Germany. Why Germany? What was she thinking? Doesn’t she realize I have a created a fulfilling life for me on the west coast of America? If I were deeply, madly and crazily in love with a man then ‘maybe’ I would have considered throwing away all that I have created and worked for and looked into long-distance relationship, moving to another continent etcetera but why is my parent considering a proposal of a complete stranger in Germany? Millions of questions arose in me. As I started to voice my concerns I was promptly shut-down by a ‘typical’ ‘stern’ counter-argument – ‘What do you mean! You never want to get married! How is that possible?’. Clearly my voice fell on deaf ears. 
I have spent the past 4-5 years studying Vedic astrology in the most structured, organized and researched system – again not the common Indian neighborhood astrologer kind of way where you get half-baked disempowering information but in a way that is absolutely empowering. In fact, I have spent cumulatively and qualitatively more time researching and studying Vedic astrology than I have spent studying for my Masters and PhD degree (combined) in biological sciences. If you as a reader are perceptive – this says a lot! So my mother threw this prospect’s birth info at me and asked me to do a compatibility test. Yes I am expected to be the bride-to-be and the official astrologer (which I am glad about) for my own arrange marriage – beat that!
The details in the next few sentences are for the astrology nerds – rest of the readers can just skimp through it. The prospect’s moon was right over mine – in fact exactly over mine with a difference of 0.08o. I ran the kuta scoring and if I were the Indian neighborhood astrologer I would have jumped out of joy to see my software return me the score of 28/36 – but we had a negative stree deergha (relationship between the flow of energies between the man and the woman) and Rajju Dosha in the navel. In lay man’s terms, as a female I won’t be able to be in a receptive role with this prospect and as a couple we’ll have challenges in creating together – yes applies to progeny too. Just for clarification for those who are skimming through their myopic lenses, it doesn’t mean the prospect or I aren’t capable of procreation with other partners – it means our energies together may face challenges to create. Synergy of the two horoscopes showed that the prospect’s Saturn and Mars were right over my moon within 1o which could have manifested as me feeling a lot of mental pressure, aggression and anxiety in the relationship. Yes, it is true that astrology for relationship compatibility if done correctly is geared towards making the woman feel comfortable (contrary to how it is practiced today) because if she’s not at ease in the relationship then there is no peace in the family (an ancient lesson for modern day relationships!). Instead of going into nitty-gritty of things I told my mother that the scores matched but the relationship will be hard on the woman involved – which she didn’t buy nor did she understand.
So why am I going over these gruesome details. It is because there needs to be an enormous shift in the mentality and outlook of parents doing the arrange marriage gimmick – especially the parents of the girl involved.
1. Women are not commodities so treat your daughter, her dreams, desires, creations and achievements with as much value as you would of the man involved.
3. Raise the standards for men. A male friend of mine once said ‘Men act the way they do because women have lowered their standards so much that men don’t need to step up at all’. Please don’t let this be the case for your daughter. Inherently, men do want to step up and make a difference so give them the opportunity.
4. Please do not condition your daughter to believe that the destination of her life is to marry a man, have kids and be of servitude. What if the husband dies leaving your daughter with three children to raise by herself? What if he runs away with someone else? What if…
Marriage is a part of life and not a destination or a milestone. It is perfectly ok to never be married – so condition your daughters to lead a blissful life – marriage, no marriage or ‘late’ marriage – kids or no kids!
5. The Indian society worships the feminine, the Shakti. They celebrate the nine days of the Goddess twice a year, pray to Kali, Durga, Saraswati and Laxmi to bless them and bestow them with prosperity, get all decked up and socialize. But they forget to see the Kali, Durga, Laxmi, Saraswati and Adi-Shakti in their daughters, sisters and wives. It is important to make a note that the Indian Mythology Goddesses are divine irrespective of their male counterparts. In fact, if you really research the scriptures, the stories and their deeper meanings, you would realize that the masculine energies of the world needed these Goddesses to complete their male counterparts and not the other way around.
You can make a difference by treating the women in your family like you treat the Goddess in a temple!
6. Parents of sons have a bigger responsibility – to inculcate values that see women above their skin color, height, weight and other physical appearances. To inculcate values that makes them equal participants in creating a wholesome relationship. Equal participation doesn’t mean taking out the trash or mowing the lawn and then sitting on the couch watching television all day. Equal participation means being absolutely present. And if you don’t understand presence go ask Sadhguru Jaggi Vasudev or read Autobiography of a Yogi by Yogananda.
I know many Indian parents will be outraged at reading this and I won’t be surprised to receive hate mails and all sorts of bashful comments. I also deep down know that no parent on this planet wants malice for their child and have the best interest of your child in their minds. All that is required is a little tweaking of the way people go about the arrange marriage business – that’s all!
I know I addressed the Indian diaspora here but the state of the feminine that I described is global. You can read the huffington post by Jennifer Aniston - where she talks about constant tabloid speculation about her pregnancy, body shame, constantly being pitched against Angelina Jolie, about her ex who dumped her ages ago - to validate what I said.
I know I addressed the Indian diaspora here but the state of the feminine that I described is global. You can read the huffington post by Jennifer Aniston - where she talks about constant tabloid speculation about her pregnancy, body shame, constantly being pitched against Angelina Jolie, about her ex who dumped her ages ago - to validate what I said.
As for me, I am going to dance this irk off my body and reconnect to my inner self through music, movement and stillness.
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