Letting Go and Surrender is An Act of Courage

Every year on New Year's eve me and a close girlfriend of mine gather at Dockweiler Beach in Southern California to lite a bonfire and set intentions for the New Year and the new cycle. We call upon the elements, the earth (in this case beach sand), water (the ocean), fire (that's why the bonfire), air and our spirits to bear witness to our intentions. It is so pious that my left brain can also feel the intensity.

We have done this ceremony enough number of times that it has now become a tradition. But this year there was a different alchemy. Both me and my friend were setting intentions but were for the first time in years not attached to the results. In addition to the elements, we had the setting Sun and the rising moon at dusk to commemorate the event. As usual, we wrote down everything that doesn't serve our lives - read it aloud so that the other person could bear witness and then burnt the paper intending that everything that doesn't serve us just automatically drops. Then we wrote down what we want to invite into our lives - more than a person or thing this year we focused on the experiences and feelings we wanted to invite. It is only month 3 of the year and no one could prepare us for what was coming...

Over the years I had to let go of several aspects of my life - people and materialistic commodities. This year one of the major things I let go off was my car that I was so attached to for many reasons on many levels. It was really heartbreaking and hard for me to recuperate. I also took a good stock of people I engage with and realized that I no longer engage with many many many many people that I once knew. That's right - several times many! A significant number of people from my graduate school days and other areas of life automatically fell out over the years - but I have finally let them go in my heart as I realized that their roles in my life are over. Does it get lonely? Sometimes. Especially, when the weather is gloomy and all I want is a comfort of a friend, even if that friend is an acquaintance. But it feels LIGHTER to not have my time invested in people who didn't care in the first place. Today, I also let go a feminine-movement practice that I had cultivated for years, mainly because I didn't belong to that tribe anymore; having realized that I wasn't treated right by the ladies for years - all the while believing that I could change something that would improve the dynamic.
More importantly,
I have let go of old patterns, beliefs and systems.
I have let go of the belief that I need try and fit in even when I do not belong;
I have let go of the belief that I don't need more and better because it is a sign of being self-fish and greedy;
I have let go of the belief that I need to be somebody - a scientist, a researcher, an intellectual, a beautiful woman, someone with slim body, someone with fair skin, someone who is successful, someone for whom the society has predetermined an identity - I have become NOBODY;
I have let go of being satisfied and complacent with my stature in life;
I have let go of the pattern of trying to please everyone and get people to like me;
I have let go of childhood stories that don't serve me but play in my mind like a tape-recorder even if it is painful to let them go;
I have let go of the need for people to be on-board with my dreams - if I am alone in the pursuit of my dreams, goals and desires (most of which are spiritual) - so be it;
I have let go of my pattern to be openhearted especially with people who have not earned it - I have become perfectly comfortable of being an Ice Queen if the situation demands and wall off my heart;
I have let go of the need to stay strong always and portray a strong exterior;
I have let go of my pattern to always give - because I land up attracting a lot of unwanted blood sucking leaches who drain my energy. I have embraced not giving to those who really don't need;
I have let go of the need to be courageous all the time even if my insides are crippling with constant rejection, fear and anxiety;
I have let go of my fear of the unknown, fear of loneliness, fear of rejection, fear of being left behind, fear of not being accepted, fear of being lost, fear of not knowing, fear of not making it, fear of making it while others have not made it, fear of discomfort, fear of not being seen, fear of being seen, fear of misery, fear of what people think, fear of not deserving, fear of deserving, fear of my own power, fear of my own success, fear of stealing glory and being the limelight - I have let go of all fear because I have chosen to shine!

As I said it is only month 3 of the year. I am still shedding in spite of the discomfort and pain associated. I have left the comfort of the known and stepped into the unknown. Spirit Teachers and Spirit Friends have shown up since New Year's Day in different shapes and forms to hold my hand. The journey to the true beginning has just begun. It is like walking through fire and instead of letting the fire burn me, I am letting it fuel me, cool me and soothe me and be my COLD FIRE!

What is your journey of letting go and surrender?

Rant of an Indian daughter who freed herself from the Indian cultural bullshit but failed to get her family to follow suit

I am the most Indian and yet not-so-Indian girl one will come across. What I mean is that I have painstakingly and I repeat very painstakingly dissociated myself from the cultural baggage an Indian girl is conditioned into and yet cultivated a deep connection to the spiritual richness of the Indian ethos. It sounds really complicated but it isn't! Of course, I was able to do this because I was at the advantage of living in Los Angeles (and the place is important in this whole context) where I was able to distance myself from the Indian women social dogma and find opportunities to nurture the true essence of my Indian identity. At the risk of sounding like a snob I can say with utter surety that on my own I am capable of living such a fulfilling life that I’ll draw envy from most of my Indian counterparts who haven’t been able to free themselves from the eastern social pressures. So if a girl like me even considers a partnership with a man that partnership can’t ever be the norm – forget about the Indian norm! Yes you guessed it right – I am getting to the system of Indian arrange marriage. Don’t get me wrong, I do think arrange marriages work – even statistics backs up arrange marriages more than love marriages. I also do acknowledge that the procedural aspect of arrange marriages and the do-how of it has changed a lot over the past couple of decades – but it’s not enough. 

I was ticked-offed yesterday when my mother called me to discuss a potential matrimonial proposal. Of course, living in India she went the Indian route of communicating with the prospect’s father whom she really liked (knowing my mother – liking somebody who is not her kin or a nostalgic friend is a rarity!). She informed me that the prospect lives in Germany yada yada yada. Yup she lost me on Germany. Why Germany? What was she thinking? Doesn’t she realize I have a created a fulfilling life for me on the west coast of America? If I were deeply, madly and crazily in love with a man then ‘maybe’ I would have considered throwing away all that I have created and worked for and looked into long-distance relationship, moving to another continent etcetera but why is my parent considering a proposal of a complete stranger in Germany? Millions of questions arose in me. As I started to voice my concerns I was promptly shut-down by a ‘typical’ ‘stern’ counter-argument – ‘What do you mean! You never want to get married! How is that possible?’. Clearly my voice fell on deaf ears. 

I have spent the past 4-5 years studying Vedic astrology in the most structured, organized and researched system – again not the common Indian neighborhood astrologer kind of way where you get half-baked disempowering information but in a way that is absolutely empowering. In fact, I have spent cumulatively and qualitatively more time researching and studying Vedic astrology than I have spent studying for my Masters and PhD degree (combined) in biological sciences. If you as a reader are perceptive – this says a lot! So my mother threw this prospect’s birth info at me and asked me to do a compatibility test. Yes I am expected to be the bride-to-be and the official astrologer (which I am glad about) for my own arrange marriage – beat that!

The details in the next few sentences are for the astrology nerds – rest of the readers can just skimp through it. The prospect’s moon was right over mine – in fact exactly over mine with a difference of 0.08^o. I ran the kuta scoring and if I were the Indian neighborhood astrologer I would have jumped out of joy to see my software return me the score of 28/36 – but we had a negative stree deergha (relationship between the flow of energies between the man and the woman) and Rajju Dosha in the navel. In lay man’s terms, as a female I won’t be able to be in a receptive role with this prospect and as a couple we’ll have challenges in creating together – yes applies to progeny too. Just for clarification for those who are skimming through their myopic lenses, it doesn’t mean the prospect or I aren’t capable of procreation with other partners – it means our energies together may face challenges to create. Synergy of the two horoscopes showed that the prospect’s Saturn and Mars were right over my moon within 1^o which could have manifested as me feeling a lot of mental pressure, aggression and anxiety in the relationship. Yes, it is true that astrology for relationship compatibility if done correctly is geared towards making the woman feel comfortable (contrary to how it is practiced today) because if she’s not at ease in the relationship then there is no peace in the family (an ancient lesson for modern day relationships!). Instead of going into nitty-gritty of things I told my mother that the scores matched but the relationship will be hard on the woman involved – which she didn’t buy nor did she understand. 

So why am I going over these gruesome details. It is because there needs to be an enormous shift in the mentality and outlook of parents doing the arrange marriage gimmick – especially the parents of the girl involved.

1.      Women are not commodities so treat your daughter, her dreams, desires, creations and achievements with as much value as you would of the man involved.

    

2.      Listen! Key word again is ‘listen’ – listen not to reply but to respond to your daughters. Listen not only with your ears but with your heart, soul and your entire being. Intelligently and not intellectually (yes there’s a difference between the two if you ponder) observe your daughter’s life and who she is – you may have to drop all your filters and be really open to even see who your daughter really is. A big part of truly listening is trusting your daughter and having complete faith in her – in her words, actions and decisions – no matter what!

3.      Raise the standards for men. A male friend of mine once said ‘Men act the way they do because women have lowered their standards so much that men don’t need to step up at all’. Please don’t let this be the case for your daughter. Inherently, men do want to step up and make a difference so give them the opportunity. 

4.      Please do not condition your daughter to believe that the destination of her life is to marry a man, have kids and be of servitude. What if the husband dies leaving your daughter with three children to raise by herself? What if he runs away with someone else? What if…  

Marriage is a part of life and not a destination or a milestone. It is perfectly ok to never be married – so condition your daughters to lead a blissful life – marriage, no marriage or ‘late’ marriage – kids or no kids!

5.      The Indian society worships the feminine, the Shakti. They celebrate the nine days of the Goddess twice a year, pray to Kali, Durga, Saraswati and Laxmi to bless them and bestow them with prosperity, get all decked up and socialize. But they forget to see the Kali, Durga, Laxmi, Saraswati and Adi-Shakti in their daughters, sisters and wives. It is important to make a note that the Indian Mythology Goddesses are divine irrespective of their male counterparts. In fact, if you really research the scriptures, the stories and their deeper meanings, you would realize that the masculine energies of the world needed these Goddesses to complete their male counterparts and not the other way around. 

You can make a difference by treating the women in your family like you treat the Goddess in a temple!

6.      Parents of sons have a bigger responsibility – to inculcate values that see women above their skin color, height, weight and other physical appearances. To inculcate values that makes them equal participants in creating a wholesome relationship. Equal participation doesn’t mean taking out the trash or mowing the lawn and then sitting on the couch watching television all day. Equal participation means being absolutely present. And if you don’t understand presence go ask Sadhguru Jaggi Vasudev or read Autobiography of a Yogi by Yogananda. 

I know many Indian parents will be outraged at reading this and I won’t be surprised to receive hate mails and all sorts of bashful comments. I also deep down know that no parent on this planet wants malice for their child and have the best interest of your child in their minds. All that is required is a little tweaking of the way people go about the arrange marriage business – that’s all!

I know I addressed the Indian diaspora here but the state of the feminine that I described is global. You can read the huffington post by Jennifer Aniston - where she talks about constant tabloid speculation about her pregnancy, body shame, constantly being pitched against Angelina Jolie, about her ex who dumped her ages ago - to validate what I said.

As for me, I am going to dance this irk off my body and reconnect to my inner self through music, movement and stillness.